And so it’s been over a week….

Things are going somewhat less suckily. We went to my great niece’s birthday party on Saturday. Most of the family got to be there. Camryn came home specifically for it – they’re FaceTime buddies. It was good to have her home as well. We did a lot of talking….about school, friends, jobs, gymnastics, kind of around the world & back. Unfortunately, most of our conversations took place between 10 pm & 2 am.

Kiernan started back to school this week. I so did not miss the drive last week while he was on spring break. Of course, trying to get up at o’dark o’clock right after the stupid time change wasn’t pleasant. He had his final in Intro to Electricity & today starts Aircraft Electrical. He got 100% on the final & I think, finished the class with 98.5%. He’s rocking this whole college experience. His dad would be so proud of him, doing what he wants & doing it so exceptionally well.

I went to Darci’s grief counselling appointment last week with her. I was mostly an observer, since it was her appointment. At one point, C asked if we talked like this all the time. Ummm, yes. She didn’t say one way or other, but I got the impression that she was surprised & glad about it. I think I’ll check into getting started myself. I have been struggling to get out of bed & get anything done. I think of stuff while driving that I should do, but then can’t remember what it was. Consequently, nothing gets done. I had 2 loads of just my darks the other day bc it had been so long since I’d done any laundry. *sigh*

I have a preliminary copy of my will & trust for the T’s, along with POA stuff. Both girls have read it over; now I just need to call the lawyer & change a few things & clarify some things. This is scary stuff. I don’t like it.

Moving on to a brighter topic. I bought Peruvian lilies a week and a half ago. They’re still beautiful.

I may do this relatively regularly bc they make me smile. Not so easy to do right now.

We got Taryn checked out yesterday. Her hamstring is definitely pulled/strained/torn. Nothing specific she did either. Dr Bree said bc of her hips/pelvis, she’s predisposed to hamstring injury. She’ll be going to PT to work on rehabbing her hamstring, but also work on her hip impingement & hopefully correct it so it’s not constantly pulling on the muscle. Meh.

Anyway, today is free cone day at DQ. I’m taking the T’s on the way to the gym. Tonight, we’re going to celebrate my mom’s birthday with dinner at Arby’s with as many of the family as can come. I can’t decide if I’m looking forward to it or not, ya know? I’ve only seen mom & dad once since John died & that was at Thanksgiving & was really rough. They just didn’t remember, so I know it’s not their fault…

Anyway, I’m off.

Blogging

I’m trying to get into the habit of blogging more regularly. There are so many words locked up in my head, I feel like I need to get them out.

I successfully made it thru another weekend – 22 weeks since John’s death. I am still struggling to remember that he’s not just off traveling for work, or just off doing….something. I find myself looking for him on a regular basis. My mind hasn’t accepted that he’s really not coming back.

I’m going with Darci tomorrow to meet with her grief counselor. I really, REALLY don’t want to, but I don’t think I can put it off any more. I follow Refuge in Grief on Facebook & I swear, it’s like she’s in my head. I think maybe a real life person like that might help. At least I hope so. I also want to talk to her about the T’s.  I think Taryn especially, would benefit from seeing someone. She was such a daddy’s girl & it’s been really hard on her.

John’s birthday is coming up at the end of the month & I want to do something special. I’ve been reading about a rose ceremony that just kind of resonates with me. I think I may buy balloons to put out at his grave. I just don’t want to let it go uncelebrated, ya know?

Anyway, I’m sitting at the dealership waiting for them to fix Phoebe & the radio/electric issues. She wouldn’t start yesterday. We were going to go get her a bath & I thought I’d surprise the T’s with DQ, then maybe swing by the cemetery to put John’s Colts flag back up. I had to take it home to wash bc it kept blowing off into the mud & was filthy. Anyway, Phoebe decided to throw a hissy fit about the bath & refused to go. Darci & Jeff came over to look at it. He jumped it, & backed it back into the garage in case she decided to do it again. (She started fine this morning.) He also said when she started, the radio was working. It hadn’t worked since Friday afternoon. We’ll see what they say about it all. I have to have reliability; that’s why I bought one this new. Ugh.

Anyway, typing this on my tablet is somewhat less than easy, so I’ll be closing now.

5 Months

Five months ago today was the last time I got to wake up next to my husband, the last time I got to feel his arms around me as I snuggled up to him. The last time I got to feel his hands & his lips, & play with his hair & pet his beard. The last time we got to make Tahni almost late to practice. The last time he told me I was awesome & he loved me so much. The last time we hung out at the gym for a little while & he got to play hero to the rescue. The last time we had breakfast/lunch together. The last time we got to celebrate our anniversary (28) together.

Five months of missing him desperately. Five months of asking why. Five months of wondering if there was anything else they could’ve done to save him. Five months of wondering, if they could’ve saved him, what would that mean for him physically & mentally. Five months of regrets that I didn’t realize what the symptoms he was experiencing meant, even a couple of months before. Five months of missing out on all the hopes, dreams, & plans for the future that we were supposed to have together. Five months of not hearing him say I love you. Five months of wishing I could go back & treat him like the prince he was… all the time. Five months of hatred for what our lives have become. Five months of trying to figure out how to go on without him, when I really don’t even want to. Five months of trying to figure out how to be mom & dad for the kids. Five months of trying to keep it together so the little girls especially, don’t constantly worry about me. Five months of almost continual tears & heartache. Five months of going to bed alone. Five months of not wanting to cook, or even to eat. Five months of trying to fill the silence with music, TV, mindless games, whatever.

Five months of trying to fill a void that will never be filled.