One of the worst things about having to walk thru grief is the loneliness that accompanies it. I’ve had people tell me they just don’t know what to say to me. I get that. I don’t know what to say either.
The worst loneliness doesn’t come from outside, though. It’s completely inside – I have no companion, no sidekick, no partner, no best friend, no lover, no one to cuddle up to at night, no one to snuggle with during a movie, no one to warm me up when I’m so cold I can’t stand it, no one to text random little notes to, no one to hold hands with, no mate to bounce ideas off or get his opinion on things, no adult presence who knows me as well, if not better, than I know myself, no one to always be there to comfort me when I’m upset. John was all of that to me. My identity was solely wrapped up in him. We were truly halves, & when we were together, it made us both complete.
Trying to figure out who I am now is practically impossible. I am paralyzed to some extent by the thought of doing the rest of life without him. We had plans & dreams – especially after the kids were grown & out of the house. We just bought a vacation package in July bc he wanted us to start travelling together.
I know I still have a houseful of kids, & the older kids that are out are still involved with what’s going on. It’s just not the same. There are so many things I can’t (or won’t) talk to them about, bc, if nothing else, he was still their dad. I could tell him anything & know he would be okay with it. Several times he asked me what I was thinking. If I was struggling, I’d simply ask if he wanted honesty or what he thought he should hear. He ALWAYS wanted honesty, whether it would be something he really didn’t want to hear or not. He could talk me off a ledge faster than anyone, even if he put me on that ledge to begin with. Maybe talk is the wrong word; he could HUG me off a ledge faster than anyone.
On my FB memories today, I had a survey come up from 2009. Here are some of the things that really hit home for me:
- 8. Assuming you have a crush on somebody, what is it exactly that you like about him/her? If you don’t have a crush, what is the one quality that the person absolutely has to have?
He understands & accepts me, no matter what.
- 11. Do you worry about finding your soul mate and getting married?
Nope, already did
- The one you can stand for the longest amount of time:
- You absolutely couldn’t live without:
- Has the prettiest handwriting:
John – when he thinks about it.
- Never gets sick, damn them:
Was our relationship perfect? No, of course not. We tried really hard to make it the best we could & it was a constant work in progress. The last 6 months or so before he died were about as perfect as we could get. Yes, we went thru a lot of hell trying to get it back to that point.
I miss him.