My own little corner of the bloggy universe….

Real Talk 101

WARNING: This will probably be one of the realest posts I’ve ever done. Ever.

 

I’ve heard many opinions on grief & the journey it presents.

I’ve heard there are not just 5 stages, but multiple stages & those stages are never linear.

I know anger is one of those stages, be it one of the 5 or one of the multiple. I’ll be honest here. I’m angry. So very angry.

I’m angry at John for leaving, even though I know it wasn’t ultimately his choice. I’m angry that he didn’t take better care of himself after he was diagnosed with diabetes 5 years ago. I’m angry that, since then, we argued over his food choices. We argued over him drinking Coke. We argued over his lack of exercising. I was angry that he was gaining weight & he didn’t seem to care. I remember telling him once that I couldn’t do it for him, but if he wanted to be around for me & the kids, he needed to make some changes. I’m angry that it was too little, too late.

I’m angry at God. I’m angry that He allowed this to happen. I’m angry that He took my best friend. (If you EVER tell me God had a purpose for this, I may have to unfriend you & punch you in the throat. I will NEVER accept that there was a purpose or a plan for losing my husband & my kids’ dad entirely too early.) Jer. 29:11 used to be my favorite verse. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” I don’t see how this could ever be for good, & what happened to my future? It’s gone; just like that. I’m angry about that.

I’m angry at his doctor. I’m angry that, even though his dad died at 44, John had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, a mini-stroke, NO ONE ever mentioned testing his heart or checking to see if he had heart disease. HOW do you miss that?!?!?!? There are 5 red flags RIGHT THERE!!!

I’m angry in general. I’m angry that *I* have to try to be everything to the kids now. I’m angry that I have to be in charge of everything. I’m angry that I have to figure out how to be alone. I’m angry that I dreamed about someone else last night – knowing in my dream that John was dead & that’s why I was even talking to this person. I’m angry for the kids, bc they lost so much when they lost their dad. He was the most involved father I’ve ever known. As my oldest said, he was their training wheels, their support system, their hero.

I’m angry at myself. I’m angry bc one of the last things I told him before EMS came was that he needed to call his doctor first thing Monday bc something wasn’t right. I’m angry that I was too frugal to spend $2.00 to ride the elevator to the top of the monument instead of walking the freakin’ 330 steps up & then down. I’m angry that I was upset when he asked to stop outside the next place bc he wasn’t feeling well & all I could think about was being so miserably cold. I’m angry that I didn’t tell him I loved him. He apologized to me for not feeling well & messing up our anniversary plans. Read that again. HE APOLOGIZED TO ME & all I said was, “it’s not your fault.” I’m angry that I didn’t recognize what was going on. (Yes, I know. Hindsight is always 20/20.) I’m angry that I missed his symptoms back in freakin’ August. Would it have made a difference? Who knows? I’m angry that I watched him walk to the ambulance & that was the last time I saw him, except from the hallway of the cath lab where he was being worked on & already sedated & intubated. I’m angry that all I was concerned about was them checking his blood sugar – I never thought about it being something else. I’m angry that he was already gone by the time all the kids got to the hospital. I’m angry that there was no chance to fix it.

I’m angry that I didn’t get to tell him I loved him.

When does this anger stage end?

Comments on: "Real Talk 101" (5)

  1. Another Lori said:

    What can I say to you? Nothing seems reasonable, given the amount of hell you’re experiencing, but given that saying nothing feels like ignoring, I’ll say something.

    You are right to be angry. All of those feelings are legitimate and utterly reasonable. Of course you’re angry (sad, miserable, whatever you’ve got going on). I feel like the anger is cathartic and also a sign that you are progressing. Not that the pain of grieving will ever fully go away, but that you are not sunk in grief so that you cannot function.

    Keep on keeping on, Lori. Own your feelings and know that there are so many out there who love you and are cheering for you.

  2. Don’t forget, there is someone else to be angry at, who deserves it: the devil, the one who hates all mankind that God created. His evil desires are to to kill, steal & destroy. Man (Adam & Eve) opened up God’s perfect creation & themselves to the dominion of the devil by disbelieving & disobeying God. We now live in a sin ravaged world. No one is exempt from it. And the devil is good at getting people to blame God for his (the devil’s) evil devastating deeds.
    I do not believe God took John. The devil did. Maybe poor choices, information & neglect did. But, the devil in our sin controlled world is the ultimate blame.
    I wish it hadn’t happened. Oh, I wish he were still here for all of you. But there are some beautiful promises from God to the widow & the orphan. He doesn’t promise an easy time, but He promises to be with us, give us hope & grace, help & comfort, & so much more, if we will trust Him. Not easy, I know, but possible.
    Know that Chuck & I love you & the kids.

  3. I agree that saying nothing seems like ignoring. Of course I have no answers, no pearls of wisdom. But I do care that you have to learn how to live your life without John. It’s all just so wrong.

  4. All I know is that if I were in your shoes, I would be just as angry…I would probably be stuck in that stage. There’s no wrong or right after the death of your other half…there just isn’t. You can only feel what’s there, what’s present in your heart, and you soul at that moment. You shouldn’t have to be going through this, and you have every right to be angry because no matter what anyone will ever say, it simply isn’t fair.

  5. I’m keeping you in my prayers still. I don’t know what else to say, except you’ve opened my eyes to so many things of how my husbands health is, and how I would ever get along without him! Watching him in pain most of the time, and not wanting to go to the dr’s because it “costs too much”. 😦 My heart aches for you terribly! I wish there was a “right thing” I could say! ❤

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