WARNING: This will probably be one of the realest posts I’ve ever done. Ever.
I’ve heard many opinions on grief & the journey it presents.
I’ve heard there are not just 5 stages, but multiple stages & those stages are never linear.
I know anger is one of those stages, be it one of the 5 or one of the multiple. I’ll be honest here. I’m angry. So very angry.
I’m angry at John for leaving, even though I know it wasn’t ultimately his choice. I’m angry that he didn’t take better care of himself after he was diagnosed with diabetes 5 years ago. I’m angry that, since then, we argued over his food choices. We argued over him drinking Coke. We argued over his lack of exercising. I was angry that he was gaining weight & he didn’t seem to care. I remember telling him once that I couldn’t do it for him, but if he wanted to be around for me & the kids, he needed to make some changes. I’m angry that it was too little, too late.
I’m angry at God. I’m angry that He allowed this to happen. I’m angry that He took my best friend. (If you EVER tell me God had a purpose for this, I may have to unfriend you & punch you in the throat. I will NEVER accept that there was a purpose or a plan for losing my husband & my kids’ dad entirely too early.) Jer. 29:11 used to be my favorite verse. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” I don’t see how this could ever be for good, & what happened to my future? It’s gone; just like that. I’m angry about that.
I’m angry at his doctor. I’m angry that, even though his dad died at 44, John had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, a mini-stroke, NO ONE ever mentioned testing his heart or checking to see if he had heart disease. HOW do you miss that?!?!?!? There are 5 red flags RIGHT THERE!!!
I’m angry in general. I’m angry that *I* have to try to be everything to the kids now. I’m angry that I have to be in charge of everything. I’m angry that I have to figure out how to be alone. I’m angry that I dreamed about someone else last night – knowing in my dream that John was dead & that’s why I was even talking to this person. I’m angry for the kids, bc they lost so much when they lost their dad. He was the most involved father I’ve ever known. As my oldest said, he was their training wheels, their support system, their hero.
I’m angry at myself. I’m angry bc one of the last things I told him before EMS came was that he needed to call his doctor first thing Monday bc something wasn’t right. I’m angry that I was too frugal to spend $2.00 to ride the elevator to the top of the monument instead of walking the freakin’ 330 steps up & then down. I’m angry that I was upset when he asked to stop outside the next place bc he wasn’t feeling well & all I could think about was being so miserably cold. I’m angry that I didn’t tell him I loved him. He apologized to me for not feeling well & messing up our anniversary plans. Read that again. HE APOLOGIZED TO ME & all I said was, “it’s not your fault.” I’m angry that I didn’t recognize what was going on. (Yes, I know. Hindsight is always 20/20.) I’m angry that I missed his symptoms back in freakin’ August. Would it have made a difference? Who knows? I’m angry that I watched him walk to the ambulance & that was the last time I saw him, except from the hallway of the cath lab where he was being worked on & already sedated & intubated. I’m angry that all I was concerned about was them checking his blood sugar – I never thought about it being something else. I’m angry that he was already gone by the time all the kids got to the hospital. I’m angry that there was no chance to fix it.
I’m angry that I didn’t get to tell him I loved him.
When does this anger stage end?