I know, at some point, talking about John in the present tense will make people uncomfortable. Do I really, truly care? At this point, no.
However, sometimes I find myself talking about him as if he just left town. Well, technically, I guess that’s relatively accurate. When I talk to the kids about things that were IN THE PAST, ie: Dad used to do/say/think whatever…. I always use past tense. However, when I’m talking about him & the last, oh, say…year, I find myself almost always using present tense. I’ve been catching myself doing it & it’s made me stop & contemplate why. Why is it so difficult to change that? Do I even really want to?
The best answer I can come up with is that my life, as I knew it, completely stopped the day he died. Maybe to my subconscious, time hasn’t gone on bc that means going on without him. The rest of the world keeps turning & everyone keeps going on about their lives while my world came to a screeching halt.
I don’t feel like I’m accurately getting my point across. It’s in my head; I know what I mean, but sometimes there just really aren’t the words to explain it to someone else. Unless you’ve experienced it & if you have, I’m sorry. I’m sure you understand what I’m trying to say.
All I know is that anyone that has listened to me talk about John like he’s just in the other room, thank you for not questioning why I’m doing it that way. It’s just how it is, at least for the present.