My own little corner of the bloggy universe….

Archive for May, 2016

Looking Ahead… Maybe

We are coming to the close of our school year & quite frankly, it’s been the kind of school year I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. This year has been all about life lessons, more accurately, death lessons & lessons on grief.

The girls have muddled through, even without a whole lot of direction from me. An occasional, “Have you done any kind of schoolwork today? You probably should.” They’ve mostly focused their year on foreign languages. (Weird, I know.) Tahni has been learning Russian & actually told me last night, she wants to get to the point where she is fluent in it. Taryn has been working on Spanish & a bit of Latin. Thank God for homeschooling so they can focus on their interests.

I’ve been thinking the last few days that we need to start prepping for next school year. We had a lot of plans this year, which obviously got shoved unceremoniously to the back burner when John died. I have some things in mind; it’s just a matter of having the emotional fortitude to get it down on paper & make the plans to go along with the ideas. Taryn will be a sophomore (WHA?????????) next year & has already started talking about going to college. We need to start working on those kinds of things. Tahni will be 7th grade. (My baby…. *sniff*)

I have Kiernan’s personal finance book from his spring semester & I want to start going thru it with the girls. He asked me questions about some of his chapters that *I* had no idea about. It would be good for me as well, I’m sure. I need to see if maybe I can find worksheets online to coincide with the book, or if I need to make my own. I’m sure I can get his assistance with it. He’s good about working with the girls – he was teaching Taryn …. something … one night, mathy stuffs. She understood it. I’m not sure I did.

So many things to ponder. The biggest one, I guess, is… will I actually be up to guiding them in the fall? So many days are simply survival… getting thru the day until it’s actually time to crawl back in bed. I know that sounds horrible, but it is what it is. You try losing half of your heart & see if you handle it any better. No, actually, don’t. It sucks.=(

We’ll see if we can set up a plan & follow-ish it. I want to get input from them & I guess I’ll go from there.

 

As a side note: do you have any idea how hard it is to go from typing on a tablet that continually corrects my typing & spacing to having to do it ALL? Holey cow! Ack!

The Day My World Ended

Seven months ago today, my whole world was shattered into billions of pieces. I lost my best friend, my rock, my safety net, my soul.

How can it possibly be that long ago when the pain is still raw & so, so fresh?

Some moments I can get thru without feeling like I’m drowning; others, not so much. Unless you’ve experienced a loss like this yourself, you simply can’t understand. There are no words to even explain it. The only way to really understand is to simply experience it for yourself & that completely sucks if you have.

I’ve lost all of my grandparents, my MIL, yet those deaths are absolutely NOTHING like this. I think that may be one of the reasons I’m struggling so much. With them, I was sad, sure, but it wasn’t all-consuming & I was able to move on. With John’s death, I feel like I’m trapped in this vortex of hell that just.won’t.stop. No matter how well I think I’m doing, one little thought or phrase or something will allow those tsunamis of grief to completely overwhelm me. The only thing I can do in those moments is hide from the world & allow the tears to fall.

I’m scared for the future. I hate being alone, always have, which is one of the reasons John & I were always together, especially on weekends, plus we genuinely liked each other. I rarely ever went anywhere by myself. I could always get him to go with me & vice versa. Yes, I still have people here that I can drag along somewhere, but it just isn’t the same. I don’t have that companionship, that person I could talk to about anything & everything & know he would never judge me, but would listen & offer advice if I wanted it. Sometimes, he just let me cry on his chest. (Have you heard Keith Urban’s “Break on Me”? Yeahhhhh… can’t listen to it bc that typified our relationship.)

I’ve had a couple of people tell me I’m still young; don’t rule out finding love again. I think about that a lot, but it makes me feel guilty. He was my ‘only’ & I was his ‘only’. How do you get past the idea of having another? How do you not feel disloyal to even think about sharing your life with someone else, when all you want is your husband back? How would it possibly be fair to that other person? I know it happens & people are happy again; maybe it’s just too soon to even think along those lines. I’m just afraid of being alone the rest of my life. It won’t be too terribly long & the kids will be grown. Then what? What do *I* do? How do *I* survive? Loneliness is one of the biggest hurdles to deal with.

I don’t know how to go on without John. I don’t want to.