My own little corner of the bloggy universe….

Archive for August, 2016

August 4:44

Aug. 27
4:44
47 weeks
10 months 24 days
5 more weeks
329 days
7,896 hours
473,760 minutes
28,425,600 seconds

Days are iffy. I still cry just about every day. Today is no exception.

Taryn & I had counseling Thursday. It was hard, but I think it went well ish. We go back next Thursday. The plan is to get Taryn the tools she needs to be able to deal with all the emotions. The counselor is supposed to send me info more pertinent to me.

I’m having a girls’ weekend away in Nashville. It’s great, & yet it’s so hard bc John & I made this drive several times last year (in a day). We were planning to come back down when the leaves had turned, but never got that chance. All the plans & future we won’t get to have….

That sucks. Dealing with the daily stuff is not so hard. Dealing with all the future stuff we’re missing out on is the hardest thing. You don’t realize that until you no longer have it.

I really miss him. 😢💔

 

Aug. 20
4:44
46 weeks
10 months 17 days
6 more weeks to d-day/angelversary (44 more days…)
322 days
7,728 hours
463,680 minutes
27,820,800 seconds

It’s so hard to believe it’s been almost a year since John died. It’s still like a bad dream, not real. Just 6 more weeks to the day. Six weeks & 2 days to the actual anniversary. I’m sure that can’t possibly be right since it still seems like just yesterday, yet it seems like forever since I’ve heard his voice & felt his hugs.

I’m back to feeling that all pervasive nausea on an almost constant basis. Just the thought of the anniversary coming up so soon makes me want to puke.

I think pretty much every night this week, I’ve walked into the gym & if someone asked how I was, I started tearing up. I find myself being very short tempered & don’t want to deal with anything or anyone. Not a good thing when there are so many people in my house & that’s also my job. If I seem… extra quiet…anti-social…whatever…more than normal, now you know why.

Taryn & I are meeting with a grief counselor on Thursday. Neither of us want to…. 😥

 

Aug. 13
4:44
45 weeks
10 months 10 days (10.3 months 🙁)
315 days
7,560 hours
453,600 minutes
27,216,000 seconds

This week has been….less horrible ish. Someone mentioned they hadn’t cried that day (something completely unrelated) & my first thought was, “I have”. I’m pretty sure there have been tears in some form every single day. I’ll be the first to admit there were more than normal today, (‪#‎cleaningandcounseling‬) but you know what? It’s okay. Sometimes holding it in makes it so much worse. Being able to talk about it with my friend helps; being able to talk about John & all that goes with it, helps.

Casey had his music playing Thurs thru the car auxiliary & this song came on (Lucky by Jason Mraz) that I’ve not heard in eons. I tried really hard not to cry, but…. 😢

T came to talk to me the other day. I was so proud of her bravery in doing so. She is now agreeable to counseling, so I’m working on that. Fortunately, I’ve been able to email with someone instead of the whole phone thing.

I’ve also reached out to the attorney to get things finalized for me. Since John didn’t have a will or anything, we decided that should be at the top of the priority list, just in case something happens to me. It sucks, but it’s also comforting to know the T’s would be taken care of without having to fight the courts.

Just so much suckage. 😩
I miss him, so much.

John Weeks
‪#‎saytheirname‬

Aug. 6
4:44
44 weeks (look at all those 4’s *sigh*)
10 months 3 days
308 days
7,392 hours
443,520 minutes
26,611,200 seconds

This week has been a major struggle. The only reason I can think of is the fact that that 1 year anniversary/29th anniversary is coming up quickly. I’ve cried more this week, I think, than I have almost since that first couple of weeks.

I’ve found all kinds of pictures of him in the last couple of days from when Lillith was born. He was so happy & looked so great. That’s another thing, he never looked… unhealthy…. & he was always up for a game of basketball, or tossing the football with the boys, or hiking, or walking around the lake….

This whole thing just completely sucks.

John Weeks
‪#‎saytheirname‬

 

August 3
4:44
10 months
43 weeks 4 days
305 days
7,320 hours
439,200 minutes
26,352,000 seconds

This has been the hardest thing, by far, I’ve ever had to experience. I realized last night that this date creeping up was probably why I was such a mess over the weekend. It’s like my brain & body know, even if *I* don’t.

Some moments are just so hard to even breathe. I look at time creeping by & just want to scream at it to STOP & go back to when John was alive.

I found a video on his FB memories that had his voice & laughter all over it. I saved the audio to my phone so if I ever get to the point I’m struggling to remember, I can listen to it.

I think I probably can’t put it off any longer; I need counseling. Just another stupid phone call I have to make & we all know how well that goes.

ATCW 💔 😡 😢
John Weeks
‪#‎saytheirname‬