I’ve been contemplating a lot of things in the last few days/weeks. I thought I would try to verbalize some of those thoughts.
This has been a horribly hard year, but I feel like (sometimes, anyway) that I am moving away from the crushing sadness & into a more manageable ache. For so long, I felt like I was simply floating along, killing time. There was no purpose or direction to my life. That’s a horribly hard way to live. I felt like if I tried to be happy, I was forgetting John. Not something I ever want to do. That was something that came up one day in counseling & I hadn’t even considered that possibility. However, I can’t continue to live, or rather, just exist without some way of moving forward into something other than grief. I need to be able to smile again & feel like it’s okay to do so.
I will always have my memories of John, & will keep his memory alive for the kids. We talk about him all the time, make the jokes that he would’ve made, & I still tag him on Facebook – especially when it comes to things the kids are doing, or something that just really resonates with me.
Speaking of resonating… my counselor, J, loaned me a book a couple of weeks ago. HOLY COW! There were so many things in there that just reached out & grabbed me by the throat, but not in a bad way. Ways to move forward into living again. Different ways to look at grief & how to manage/survive it. The book is called Permission to Mourn. I will be getting my own copy, it’s that good.
I started a gratitude journal a couple of days ago. I considered waiting until the 1st, but decided to go ahead & do it. My plan is to write down 3 things that I’m thankful for each day, even if I have to dig really deep to find those 3 things.
While I’ll be glad to close this year down, in another way it’s really hard. It puts me that much farther away from the last time I got a hug from John, or all that goes along with him being alive.
Here’s to working towards a new me, stronger, able to smile without guilt, living again.