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Archive for December, 2016

End of the Year

I’ve been contemplating a lot of things in the last few days/weeks. I thought I would try to verbalize some of those thoughts.

This has been a horribly hard year, but I feel like (sometimes, anyway) that I am moving away from the crushing sadness & into a more manageable ache. For so long, I felt like I was simply floating along, killing time. There was no purpose or direction to my life. That’s a horribly hard way to live. I felt like if I tried to be happy, I was forgetting John. Not something I ever want to do. That was something that came up one day in counseling & I hadn’t even considered that possibility. However, I can’t continue to live, or rather, just exist without some way of moving forward into something other than grief. I need to be able to smile again & feel like it’s okay to do so.

I will always have my memories of John, & will keep his memory alive for the kids. We talk about him all the time, make the jokes that he would’ve made, & I still tag him on Facebook – especially when it comes to things the kids are doing, or something that just really resonates with me.

Speaking of resonating… my counselor, J, loaned me a book a couple of weeks ago. HOLY COW! There were so many things in there that just reached out & grabbed me by the throat, but not in a bad way. Ways to move forward into living again. Different ways to look at grief & how to manage/survive it. The book is called Permission to Mourn. I will be getting my own copy, it’s that good.

I started a gratitude journal a couple of days ago. I considered waiting until the 1st, but decided to go ahead & do it. My plan is to write down 3 things that I’m thankful for each day, even if I have to dig really deep to find those 3 things.

While I’ll be glad to close this year down, in another way it’s really hard. It puts me that much farther away from the last time I got a hug from John, or all that goes along with him being alive.

Here’s to working towards a new me, stronger, able to smile without guilt, living again.


Today is December 3rd. Fourteen long months ago, John died. It’s been 61 weeks. It just seems so, so wrong still. The convergence of the weeks & the months brings it all right to the forefront.


I’ve been seeing a grief counselor for the last 3 weeks, with no idea of stopping any time soon. I’m pretty sure she is the perfect counselor for me – she lost her husband of 30 years, she lost her brother to Alzheimer’s – she has that personal experience that tells me she knows exactly where I’m coming from. I didn’t want someone who only had “book knowledge”, if that makes any sense. Even though I wouldn’t wish this journey on my worst enemy, I know me. I need someone that understands on that personal level.

I cried in the shower this morning. I cried talking to JoAnn – who took me shopping with her to get me out of the house. I’ve not been crying every day. It’s a little… less hard on a daily basis. Still not easy, but less hard is the best way to describe it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just so busy all the time I don’t have the energy to dwell on things. I guess that may be a good thing.

Gotta run….