Ten years ago today, it was a grey, rainy, cold kind of day. Because of circumstances, John & I were unable to go away for our 28th anniversary. We didn’t know how much help Darci would need after the new baby (Eleanor – who was born 2½ weeks prior), Camryn was home from school in Nashville, TN for fall break, Kiernan still had aircraft maintenance school at the airport & needed rides to & from, plus the little girls – practice, school, etc. With all of that, we realized we had the weekend free for our actual anniversary. We discussed many different options: Brown County/Nashville, IN, canoeing, hiking at a state park…. We settled on playing tourists downtown Indy. It was something we hadn’t done in quite a while, we wouldn’t really have to travel, & there were so many options of things to do.
We took Tahni to the gym for practice, visited with some of the other parents, John helped Dianne with the strap bar – it was stuck & she couldn’t unstick it. We finally left to have breakfast at McDonald’s, then headed downtown.
We parked at Circle Center Mall like we always did when downtown, then walked to the Circle. We toured the museum in the basement (I can’t remember what it’s called), then decided to go to the top of the Monument. Rather than paying for the elevator ride up, we chose to walk the stairs. It was…. something else; *I* was hot – you can imagine how John felt if you actually know us. We finally got to the top, John was winded so we rested a bit, then started looking out over the city. He was taking pics with his phone, as was I. It was beautiful & peaceful.
We walked back down the stairs (much easier) & decided to hit up the gift shop. We bought a bottle of water to share, looked at the t-shirts for sale that said something to the effect of “I survived the 337 (insert random number bc I don’t remember what it actually was) steps to the top of the Monument”. We talked with the cashier about a museum that we saw from upstairs that we wanted to go visit. We were all turned around by the time we got down so she told us what it was & how to get there.
We started off walking & it was soooo cold. I was basically walking right behind John bc of the wind & rain/heavy drizzle. We walked past Military Park (?) & as we crossed the last street to the museum, John said he needed to sit down bc he wasn’t feeling well. We sat in a bus stop shelter for a bit. He started feeling worse & lay down on the sidewalk & propped his feet up. I asked if we needed to call someone but he declined. He also grabbed my ankle & apologized for messing up our anniversary. I asked him if he intended to mess it up – no! – then you don’t need to apologize, however, we need to talk to your doctor first thing Monday.
He finally said, maybe you should call. I called 911, told them where we were, what was going on & they sent Fire Rescue first, an ambulance right after that. John got up & walked to the ambulance. I was just standing there, wondering what to do, when one of the Fire Rescue guys got out w/ John’s keys & said that his EKG was wonky, so they were going to transport him to Methodist. “Do you know how to get there?” I didn’t even know where the car was parked from where we were! He gave me directions to get back to the Mall parking garage. As I was walking that way, I called Darci to let her know what was happening. She asked if I wanted her to come – (remember, she’d just had a baby 2 1/2 weeks before) nah…. you’ve got a new baby. The longer we talked, the more I felt like maybe she should come. She told me to call Caitlin (who was working), so I called her work number & said it was an emergency. She left work, picked up James & headed to the hospital. Darci called Camryn & told her to pull over somewhere as soon as possible & call her back so she could have them come to the hospital. (She had Tahni with her). She also called the boys to tell them to grab Taryn (at home also) & come to the hospital.
When I finally got out of the parking garage which is a whole story in itself…. I got to the Emergency Department, checked in at the desk, & sat down. She told me they were really busy back there so there wasn’t room yet, but she’d let me know as soon as they could get me back there. Pretty soon, another lady came out & said they were taking John to the cath lab so she’d take me up there & have a chaplain come sit with me. (Ummmm…. I thought that was really weird, but okay….) The nurse finally came out & said that John was really sick. I kept telling anyone I spoke to that he was diabetic. She said they knew, they’d checked his numbers, but would do it again. She took me to the doorway where he was, but wouldn’t let me go in bc it was a sterile field, he was sedated, all the things…
I sat in the waiting area for a little while & Darci & the baby showed up – Jeff had dropped them off at the doors. He came in as soon as he was parked. Not very long after that, the nurse came back & got me (& Darci) to speak to the doctor. That’s when my life fell apart. John had had a massive heart attack & hadn’t survived. I immediately slid down the wall to sit on the floor, sobbing. He was my best friend! How could this happen to us?!?!?!? I constantly felt like I was going to puke for the next 2 or 3 weeks.
They allowed Darci & I to go in & sit with John – they gave me his wedding ring & left us alone with him for as long as we wanted. We decided the rest of the kids shouldn’t see him like that – hooked up to all kinds of machines. However, Caitlin called when she got there & Darci went out to meet her to bring her back. I stayed with John & at one point, told him his anniversary present SUCKED big time. (At that moment, it made me feel a miniscule amount better.)
Darci & Caitlin came in, & Caitlin collapsed. She thought it was *my* dad, not hers until she saw his tattoo. It was literally the worst day of my life.
I was angry, scared, sad, heartbroken, terrified, furious… all the feelings. I only made a couple of phone calls & Darci made the rest. Darci is also the one who told the other kids bc I could barely hold myself together, let alone speak.
We finally left the hospital & everyone came back to the house & stayed pretty late. My younger sister & one of my brothers also came to the house. I remember when everyone finally left that night, the rest of us sat in the front room like “now what”?!?! We could put off thinking about it when people were there, but when it was just us, it hit hard all over again.
Most of the kids were at the house for the next week or 2 or 3. Family jumped in to get Kiernan back & forth to school (FAA doesn’t like absences bc of the hours requirements. Kiernan’s…. somebody important… told him he would take care of the day of the funeral absence.) Camryn stayed home from school for the next week – no sense driving back to Nashville to turn around & come home for the funeral, to turn around & go back.
The funeral was the second worst day of my life, but so many people showed up that totally surprised me. John’s work company shut down, rented a limo bus & they all showed up.
I go back now & read thru my Facebook memories. I was very open about what I was feeling, how I couldn’t make the pain go away for the kids, how angry I was at John & God…. all the things. I had multiple people tell me they made their spouse go get a heart scan in honor of John. I also had multiple people ask if I could help them bc a friend/co-worker/acquaintance had lost a spouse/significant other. What should they do? What should they NOT say? How could they help them? And multiple people thanked me for being so real & open about grief bc they learned so much from me.
One thing I am so incredibly grateful for, knowing how that day turned out…. I’m sooooo thankful we were downtown, not out in the woods hiking, or canoeing, or away from the population & almost immediate help. I cannot imagine how traumatic that would’ve been. It was traumatic enough being so close to the hospital.
My only goal for the first…. 5-6 years…. was to survive. I’ve done that & thrived. My goal now is to continue to honor John’s legacy, remember the good times, try not to want to dig him up & strangle him myself, & continue to move forward.
I also can’t believe it’s been 10 years. It seems like yesterday, but forever ago.
JOURNEY OF 7 