My own little corner of the bloggy universe….

Too Long

4:44
June 3
87 weeks
20 months
609 days
Entirely too long….

Things have been okayish for the last little while. This week was hard, but for other reasons. However, when I woke up this morning it just really hit me hard. So many thoughts…. today is 87 weeks that John’s been gone; we were married in ’87. Ironic….how things just mesh & hit me like that. I posted a pic sometime last weekend (Monday maybe?) & when I scrolled past it later, I had posted it at 4:44. I have no idea how that happened; it seems to a lot. Even the T’s are seeing 4:44 regularly now.

I think the zoloft has finally started to do something. I feel …… less overwhelmed maybe? More neutral. The grief doesn’t feel so all-consuming & harsh. I feel like I may be able to survive after all. Most of the time anyway. Days like today though…. maybe not. Dates may ALWAYS affect me that way,  who knows.

I have counseling again on Tuesday. This week it feels very necessary. I also have another appt with my pcp to verify the dosage of the zoloft etc.

Actually, either the T’s &/or I have an appt every single day this coming week. Eye doctor, counseling on 2 different days, my Dr, Tahni’s MRI on her back…. plus she has practice Mon, Tues, Thurs morning & I work Mon, Tues, Thurs nights. Even though it all keeps us busy & occupied, I’m exhausted. I’m also not sleeping well & haven’t been for quite a while. I’ve also been fighting headaches way more than normal, which I will be mentioning to the Dr again, along with ringing in my ears. Pretty sure I may go insane from that alone.

Camryn will be home in 2 weeks, just for the week though, unless they don’t schedule her for work. It’ll be good to see her…. it’s been a while. March I think. We’ve talked on the phone several times or had text convos, but I haven’t been able to hug her. She drove to Ohio this week for her best friend’s dad’s funeral. Rough times. I’ve been checking in on her to make sure she’s okay.

❤ John Weeks ❤
#iwillalwaysmisshim
#iwillalwayslovehim
#saytheirname
#neverforget

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Eighteen Months

4:44
18 months
78 weeks 2 days

The day my whole world shattered.

I am still trying to pick up the pieces of me that shattered when John died. I don’t have them all, nor will I probably ever be able to even find them all. I will never be the same.

My whole world has changed. I still don’t know who I am without him, nor what I’ll do in the future. I’m still struggling to figure out what I’m doing beyond this very second.

Yes, there are days that the grief isn’t overwhelming & I can function relatively like a human being. There are other days I struggle to even drag myself out of bed. The really bad days, I don’t bother, until I have absolutely no choice.

There is now some laughter, still a lot of tears, a few moments of “can’t catch my breath bc I can’t believe this has happened”, still a LOT of missing everything about him & the future we were supposed to have. I go thru my On This Day memories on FB & sometimes, they are more than I can handle.

Dates are still really hard. They’re even harder when it’s BOOM, BOOM, BOOM…. one right after another. John’s birthday (55) was Monday, March 27. Saturday, April 1 was exactly 78 weeks… Today is exactly 18 months. BOOM… BOOM… BOOM….

I’m still wearing my rings, as well as his. I have both our wedding bands on my right ring finger, & the anniversary/memorial band along with my engagement ring are on my left ring finger. To think about taking them off makes me want to puke. Therefore… I will not.

I want to start packing up some of his things, but not today & maybe not for a little while still. Everything is pretty much right where he left it – including his shoes & socks downstairs by the laundry room door, & the water bottle sitting on his sink that he used every morning & night to take his meds.

I don’t know… all I can say is to treasure your loved ones every. single. day…. You have no idea how long you’ll have together. Make sure they know you love them… even if they don’t like hearing it or don’t say it back. John always, ALWAYS made sure we knew he loved us & how much he did. ❤

End of the Year

I’ve been contemplating a lot of things in the last few days/weeks. I thought I would try to verbalize some of those thoughts.

This has been a horribly hard year, but I feel like (sometimes, anyway) that I am moving away from the crushing sadness & into a more manageable ache. For so long, I felt like I was simply floating along, killing time. There was no purpose or direction to my life. That’s a horribly hard way to live. I felt like if I tried to be happy, I was forgetting John. Not something I ever want to do. That was something that came up one day in counseling & I hadn’t even considered that possibility. However, I can’t continue to live, or rather, just exist without some way of moving forward into something other than grief. I need to be able to smile again & feel like it’s okay to do so.

I will always have my memories of John, & will keep his memory alive for the kids. We talk about him all the time, make the jokes that he would’ve made, & I still tag him on Facebook – especially when it comes to things the kids are doing, or something that just really resonates with me.

Speaking of resonating… my counselor, J, loaned me a book a couple of weeks ago. HOLY COW! There were so many things in there that just reached out & grabbed me by the throat, but not in a bad way. Ways to move forward into living again. Different ways to look at grief & how to manage/survive it. The book is called Permission to Mourn. I will be getting my own copy, it’s that good.

I started a gratitude journal a couple of days ago. I considered waiting until the 1st, but decided to go ahead & do it. My plan is to write down 3 things that I’m thankful for each day, even if I have to dig really deep to find those 3 things.

While I’ll be glad to close this year down, in another way it’s really hard. It puts me that much farther away from the last time I got a hug from John, or all that goes along with him being alive.

Here’s to working towards a new me, stronger, able to smile without guilt, living again.

Convergence

Today is December 3rd. Fourteen long months ago, John died. It’s been 61 weeks. It just seems so, so wrong still. The convergence of the weeks & the months brings it all right to the forefront.

 

I’ve been seeing a grief counselor for the last 3 weeks, with no idea of stopping any time soon. I’m pretty sure she is the perfect counselor for me – she lost her husband of 30 years, she lost her brother to Alzheimer’s – she has that personal experience that tells me she knows exactly where I’m coming from. I didn’t want someone who only had “book knowledge”, if that makes any sense. Even though I wouldn’t wish this journey on my worst enemy, I know me. I need someone that understands on that personal level.

I cried in the shower this morning. I cried talking to JoAnn – who took me shopping with her to get me out of the house. I’ve not been crying every day. It’s a little… less hard on a daily basis. Still not easy, but less hard is the best way to describe it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just so busy all the time I don’t have the energy to dwell on things. I guess that may be a good thing.

Gotta run….

Best & Worst Date

October 3rd – the very best & very worst day of my life…

October 3, 1986 – John & I announced our engagement.

October 3, 1987 – John & I were joined in marriage & started off on our journey to happily ever after.

October 3, 2015 – That journey to happily ever after came to a screeching & horrible halt as a result of John’s death.

There are so many things I want to say, yet I’m not sure how to say them, so I’ll just add to this as I think of the words.

What should have been the exciting occasion of our 29th anniversary has become the first angelversary of his death instead. We always looked forward to our anniversary each year with excitement & joy, planning where we would go for our getaway. Now, I look toward it with sorrow & dread. I will forever see Oct. 3rd as 29/1… 30/2… 31/3…. etc. We were supposed to grow old together; we’d just purchased a travel vacation plan; we were supposed to have another 50 years to celebrate our love.

He was my rock, my safety net, my anchor & my wings, my safe harbor in all the storms, my strength, my confidante, my companion, my comfort, my warmth, my back scratcher, my dream sharer, my sounding board, my Mr. Fix-it, my computer guru, my hero, my phone call maker, my guitar player, my built in comedian, my sidekick (or was I his?), my kids’ dad, my husband, my lover, my partner, the other half of my heart, my very best friend. He was the one who gave me courage to do things. He was the one who dragged me out of the house just about every weekend to go have fun. He dealt with my moods much better than I ever did – nothing seemed to phase him. He was the first one I wanted to text when I was upset, or happy, or excited, or mad. He’s still the first one I want to text when something happens. We shared everything with each other.

There are so many decisions I’ve had to make that I wanted to sit down & discuss with him, even though I knew exactly what he would have said. (I could even “hear” those conversations in my head.) We were that in tune with each other – we could pretty much finish each others’ sentences.

Was our relationship perfect? Perfect for us, but no, it was always a work in progress. We *worked* on it for almost 30 ish years. Did we ever get angry with each other? Yes, more so on my side. He was so laid back; I only recall seeing him really angry maybe twice. Upset, yes. Angry – no. He was always the first to apologize, the first to ask if I was okay, the first to say I love you.

That’s one of those regrets I may always carry with me. I seldom said the words, “I love you”. I did on occasion, but never ever enough. He knew though. I’m pretty sure he knew me better than I knew myself.

I miss his unconditional love. I miss how good we were together, even when things might not be that good. I miss being part of a couple. I miss walking in to see him sleeping in his chair while waiting for me to get home, rather than going to bed. I miss our weekend reconnections. I miss him always asking me if I wanted to go out for dinner – even if dinner was McDonald’s…. or breakfast…. or lunch. I miss how thankful he was for anything I cooked. I miss his willingness to be a guinea pig & try any recipe I wanted to fix, at least once.

I miss how much he always spoiled me. I miss the fact that, if I had asked, he would’ve given me anything I wanted, including the moon.

I miss him buying me Fireball, even though he hated it. He knew how much I loved it & wanted me to have the best. I miss how hard he worked to support us so I could stay home with the kids. I miss how proud he was of me & the important job I was doing by being home & teaching the kids. I miss him bragging about me to anyone who would listen.

I miss him coming in to the gym just about every night, giving me a hug, & taking Kiernan back home after I had picked him up from school. I miss him doing all the driving. I miss him taking All. The. Pictures. I miss all the cool things he did to the girls’ competition videos. I miss watching him hug the kids. I miss watching him play games with them. I miss his excitement over the kids’ accomplishments. I miss watching him with their friends. I miss the relationships some of them had with him. I miss the teasing he did – to everyone he ever met (I think). I miss our walks around the lake. I miss our anniversary camping trips. I miss his willingness to jump in & help whenever & wherever he was needed.

I miss being able to snuggle up to him at night. I miss cuddling with him. I miss being able to sit on his lap to get warm. I miss fitting perfectly up under his chin. I miss holding his hand whenever we went somewhere. I miss his hand on the back of my neck. I miss that special look in his eyes. I miss the butterflies he still gave me, even after 28 years of marriage. I miss his silly little smirk. I miss our physical relationship. I miss the silkiness of his hair. I miss petting his beard. I miss him petting my hair or rubbing my head. I miss being able to wake him up when I couldn’t sleep, knowing he would rub my head until I could. I miss being able to wake him up to check out a noise. I miss waking up next to him. I miss going to sleep next to him. (I kinda don’t miss his snoring. Kinda.)

I miss how he always took such good care of me. I miss him telling the T’s ‘no, they couldn’t come in yet’ on weekend mornings, bc we wanted to spend more time alone. I miss sharing showers, even though we could never agree on the water temperature. I miss how much he loved my body, even after 7 babies.

I miss his peanut butter breath from his quick after-med snack when he kissed me good night. I miss his kisses on my nose – even though he KNEW I hated them. He did it anyway, just to bug me. I miss seeing his tattoo every night. I miss having his arms around me.

I miss him bringing me goodies, just bc he knew I liked them. I miss buying things at the grocery store bc I knew he’d like them. I miss our silly conversations. I miss him grilling, even after a stupid long day at work. I miss his parenting input. I miss him being willing to handle the puking kid’s bedding, while I dealt with the puking kid. Or vice versa. I miss being able to ask him to look at/fix something, & not feeling bad about asking.

I miss his daily kiss good-bye, even though it was usually stinkin’ early. I miss him calling me “Love”. I miss his random texts. I miss his stupid jokes, sense of humor, & over-the-top laughter. I miss him holding me when all I could do was cry. I miss him telling me everything would be alright, eventually. I miss his confidence that we would make it through anything, together.

I miss the memories we were still making. I miss the dreams & plans we had for the future. I miss all the things in the future that he should be here for. I miss the future we were supposed to have after all the kids grew up & moved out. I miss the relationships he was forming with the grandkids.

I miss him… so much….

❤ John Weeks ❤
#saytheirname
10.3.15
29/1

 

September 4:44

Sept. 24
4:44
51 weeks
1 more week; 9 more days
357 days
8,568 hours
514,080 minutes
30,844,800 seconds

I’m not sure if I’ll actually be able to post this right on time, bc I’m doing hard things today. Working at Lucas Oil this afternoon for Tahni’s gymnastics (I think it’s the first time I’ve ever worked it without John Weeks) & taking all my rings off since I’ll have to wear gloves & I don’t want to chance losing them or any of the diamonds. (Something I’ve always done but for some reason, it’s much, MUCH harder today.) Tears abound already.

Grief is so hard. 😢😢😢

Tahni had her last counseling session Thurs. This was strictly to give her some coping tools if she needs them in the future. K said if she needs to talk, she’ll talk to me, not some random stranger. I can always email her if I need to for advice or whatever. It was stupidly harder on me than Tahni. I am not dealing with the fast approaching Angelversary very well at all.

We are having a family dinner on the 2nd (everyone will be there; Camryn was able to find someone to take her work shift) & we’ll go visit John’s grave. I’m already dreading it, so much. It seems like just yesterday he was here, yet it’s been forever since I’ve gotten his hugs. I miss him so tremendously much.

John Weeks
#saytheirname
10.3.15

 

Sept. 17
4:44
50 weeks
11 months, 14 days
16 more days til…
350 days
8,400 hours
504,000 minutes
30,240,000 seconds

This week has been rough. I don’t know if it’s more because I’ve been sick, not sleeping, how close that 1 year anniversary is, all the other things that have popped up, or all of the above.

Ellie turned a year old on Thursday, the 15th. She was just 2.5 weeks old when John died. That’s a really hard thing to comprehend. John’s mom died 3 years ago the 14th. Time just keeps marching right along.

Tahni had counseling on Tuesday. She really, REALLY didn’t want to go, but she said afterwards it wasn’t completely horrible. She cried, which completely shocked me. I think it’s only the 4th or 5th time I’ve seen her cry over his death. K was very plain spoken about it & said she might be fine now, but we want her to have tools that she can learn to use now, so it doesn’t become a problem later. She’s so strong, all the time, & sometimes I wonder if she’s just shoving all her emotions under a rug (metaphorically speaking) & ignoring them.

Taryn seems to be doing better. She donated her hair on Monday (more than 12 inches) & her new “do” is super cute! However, she wanted to go to the gym Monday night & ended up with a full-blown panic attack. We had an appt for her on Tuesday with her PCP. She told her some things to do if she can feel one coming on, what to try for sleep issues…. if those things don’t work, call & we’ll do something else. She basically said she has grief induced depression, but with the counseling, that should help. If not, call. Her last counseling appt was Thursday. It was hard; it was good. K suggested we make plans to do …. something…. on the anniversary, rather than just let it slide by & make it worse. Taryn’s idea was to have everyone over on Sunday for lasagne & games. (Dad would’ve loved that.) We’ll see if we can work that out. I should talk to the kids…

She did tell me that she thought the counseling has helped. She’s done really well with the assignments, even though they were really hard.

I still struggle with the whole idea that he’s been gone almost a year. It’s definitely been the longest, hardest, most horrible year of my life.

I miss him desperately.
❤ John Weeks ❤
#saytheirname

Sept. 10
4:44
49 weeks
11 months, 7 days
23 more days til…
343 days
8,232 hours
493,920 minutes
29,635,200 seconds

I honestly don’t even know what I’m feeling this week.

Taryn & I had counseling again on Thursday. We both decided it was a stupid day. Lots of hard things, but necessary. We won’t ever be who we were before John died, so who do we want to be now? She had some really good answers, & since it’s technically her appt, I let her do the majority of the talking & answering questions. (I write so I can remember…) K asked her if we should get mom’s answers to who I want to be now. I lost it. 😥 For 29 years, I was John’s wife or the kids’ mom & that was my identity. How do you go from that to someone new but without him? I have no idea who I am now, who I want to be, or how to get there. K explained to both of us that that’s okay. We had a lot of years together & trying to figure out now may be as simple as someone who is trying to figure it out. She explained to Taryn that there are lots of things he & I shared that were completely different from the relationship he shared with the kids, so yes, it will take me longer to figure out things, AND THAT’S OKAY. (I really like her, if you can’t tell.)

Taryn has one more appt with her next Thursday, so we don’t finish up on such a hard subject. We’re supposed to write letters (not a one time deal) of all the things we wish we could tell him – from hating him for leaving to loving him for loving us.

Tahni will start counseling on Tuesday & she is not agreeable. When I told her she had an appt….. Whyyyyyyyy? I don’t wanna go!!!!! I told her she didn’t have a choice, bc I don’t want her falling apart in 3 or 4 years bc it wasn’t dealt with… “Fine.” *shrugs*

I still want to find someone for me – one on one. I met the group leader thru Community & she completely turned me off & honestly, I want nothing to do with her. K was showing her our family pics & how cool they are & I have 7 kids…. “WHY?” It was kind of a hateful ‘why’ & really ticked me off. I’m sorry – don’t diss my family nor my choice to have 7 when you don’t even know me, & you want to support me in my grief? I DON’T THINK SO. Grrrrr…. still makes me mad when I think about it.

Some things still catch me off guard & make it hard to breathe; some things that did earlier in the day, don’t later & vice versa. It’s…. weird. I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss his hugs. I miss his stupid jokes. I miss him laughing at them even if they weren’t really that funny. I miss his relationship with the kids & grands.

I miss him.

John Weeks
#saytheirname

 

Sept. 3
4:44
48 weeks
11 months – 11 long, lonely, horrible months
4 more weeks, 30 more days
336 days
8,064 hours
483,840 minutes
29,030,400 seconds

This week has been better. Today has been worse. I’ve already cried multiple times over silly little things. (Or not so silly, I guess.) 😢

I found John’s Colts hat today, in the garage, that we’ve already gone thru & cleaned out. I have no idea how we didn’t find it before bc it was on top of a stack of stuff that I needed to get into. Darci said dad must’ve given it back. It’s not like I *needed* it, but Taryn desperately wanted it. It’s the one John wore when he was taking pics & that’s the one that is currently his fb profile pic. (I have an identical pic of Taryn with a different hat, hence the reason she desperately wanted this one.)

We did another counseling session Friday. It was good, still hard, but this time it was more about coping skills & how to move out of the fog into the new me. (I’m not even sure who the old me was, let alone trying to figure out what I want the new me to look like. My identity was John’s wife – or the kids’ mom for 28 years.)

Tahni will be starting counseling Sept 13. She’s not thrilled, nor very agreeable, but I’m not giving her the choice. I don’t want her to have problems 3 or 4 years down the road bc it hasn’t been dealt with. 🙁

Today is Ellie’s birthday party. It’s just wrong that he can’t be here for all of this.

He’s missing so much & we’re missing so much with him. 💔 😢

August 4:44

Aug. 27
4:44
47 weeks
10 months 24 days
5 more weeks
329 days
7,896 hours
473,760 minutes
28,425,600 seconds

Days are iffy. I still cry just about every day. Today is no exception.

Taryn & I had counseling Thursday. It was hard, but I think it went well ish. We go back next Thursday. The plan is to get Taryn the tools she needs to be able to deal with all the emotions. The counselor is supposed to send me info more pertinent to me.

I’m having a girls’ weekend away in Nashville. It’s great, & yet it’s so hard bc John & I made this drive several times last year (in a day). We were planning to come back down when the leaves had turned, but never got that chance. All the plans & future we won’t get to have….

That sucks. Dealing with the daily stuff is not so hard. Dealing with all the future stuff we’re missing out on is the hardest thing. You don’t realize that until you no longer have it.

I really miss him. 😢💔

 

Aug. 20
4:44
46 weeks
10 months 17 days
6 more weeks to d-day/angelversary (44 more days…)
322 days
7,728 hours
463,680 minutes
27,820,800 seconds

It’s so hard to believe it’s been almost a year since John died. It’s still like a bad dream, not real. Just 6 more weeks to the day. Six weeks & 2 days to the actual anniversary. I’m sure that can’t possibly be right since it still seems like just yesterday, yet it seems like forever since I’ve heard his voice & felt his hugs.

I’m back to feeling that all pervasive nausea on an almost constant basis. Just the thought of the anniversary coming up so soon makes me want to puke.

I think pretty much every night this week, I’ve walked into the gym & if someone asked how I was, I started tearing up. I find myself being very short tempered & don’t want to deal with anything or anyone. Not a good thing when there are so many people in my house & that’s also my job. If I seem… extra quiet…anti-social…whatever…more than normal, now you know why.

Taryn & I are meeting with a grief counselor on Thursday. Neither of us want to…. 😥

 

Aug. 13
4:44
45 weeks
10 months 10 days (10.3 months 🙁)
315 days
7,560 hours
453,600 minutes
27,216,000 seconds

This week has been….less horrible ish. Someone mentioned they hadn’t cried that day (something completely unrelated) & my first thought was, “I have”. I’m pretty sure there have been tears in some form every single day. I’ll be the first to admit there were more than normal today, (‪#‎cleaningandcounseling‬) but you know what? It’s okay. Sometimes holding it in makes it so much worse. Being able to talk about it with my friend helps; being able to talk about John & all that goes with it, helps.

Casey had his music playing Thurs thru the car auxiliary & this song came on (Lucky by Jason Mraz) that I’ve not heard in eons. I tried really hard not to cry, but…. 😢

T came to talk to me the other day. I was so proud of her bravery in doing so. She is now agreeable to counseling, so I’m working on that. Fortunately, I’ve been able to email with someone instead of the whole phone thing.

I’ve also reached out to the attorney to get things finalized for me. Since John didn’t have a will or anything, we decided that should be at the top of the priority list, just in case something happens to me. It sucks, but it’s also comforting to know the T’s would be taken care of without having to fight the courts.

Just so much suckage. 😩
I miss him, so much.

John Weeks
‪#‎saytheirname‬

Aug. 6
4:44
44 weeks (look at all those 4’s *sigh*)
10 months 3 days
308 days
7,392 hours
443,520 minutes
26,611,200 seconds

This week has been a major struggle. The only reason I can think of is the fact that that 1 year anniversary/29th anniversary is coming up quickly. I’ve cried more this week, I think, than I have almost since that first couple of weeks.

I’ve found all kinds of pictures of him in the last couple of days from when Lillith was born. He was so happy & looked so great. That’s another thing, he never looked… unhealthy…. & he was always up for a game of basketball, or tossing the football with the boys, or hiking, or walking around the lake….

This whole thing just completely sucks.

John Weeks
‪#‎saytheirname‬

 

August 3
4:44
10 months
43 weeks 4 days
305 days
7,320 hours
439,200 minutes
26,352,000 seconds

This has been the hardest thing, by far, I’ve ever had to experience. I realized last night that this date creeping up was probably why I was such a mess over the weekend. It’s like my brain & body know, even if *I* don’t.

Some moments are just so hard to even breathe. I look at time creeping by & just want to scream at it to STOP & go back to when John was alive.

I found a video on his FB memories that had his voice & laughter all over it. I saved the audio to my phone so if I ever get to the point I’m struggling to remember, I can listen to it.

I think I probably can’t put it off any longer; I need counseling. Just another stupid phone call I have to make & we all know how well that goes.

ATCW 💔 😡 😢
John Weeks
‪#‎saytheirname‬