5 Months

Five months ago today was the last time I got to wake up next to my husband, the last time I got to feel his arms around me as I snuggled up to him. The last time I got to feel his hands & his lips, & play with his hair & pet his beard. The last time we got to make Tahni almost late to practice. The last time he told me I was awesome & he loved me so much. The last time we hung out at the gym for a little while & he got to play hero to the rescue. The last time we had breakfast/lunch together. The last time we got to celebrate our anniversary (28) together.

Five months of missing him desperately. Five months of asking why. Five months of wondering if there was anything else they could’ve done to save him. Five months of wondering, if they could’ve saved him, what would that mean for him physically & mentally. Five months of regrets that I didn’t realize what the symptoms he was experiencing meant, even a couple of months before. Five months of missing out on all the hopes, dreams, & plans for the future that we were supposed to have together. Five months of not hearing him say I love you. Five months of wishing I could go back & treat him like the prince he was… all the time. Five months of hatred for what our lives have become. Five months of trying to figure out how to go on without him, when I really don’t even want to. Five months of trying to figure out how to be mom & dad for the kids. Five months of trying to keep it together so the little girls especially, don’t constantly worry about me. Five months of almost continual tears & heartache. Five months of going to bed alone. Five months of not wanting to cook, or even to eat. Five months of trying to fill the silence with music, TV, mindless games, whatever.

Five months of trying to fill a void that will never be filled.